No, Doctor No
Jude Wanniski
November 7, 1996


Memo to: Men's Health Magazine
From: Jude Wanniski
Re: James Bond, Yeltsin and Sinatra

On the CBS radio news this morning, I heard a report that your magazine's current issue does an examination of James Bond, 007, whose movie career began 35 years ago with "Doctor No." If I remember correctly, you conclude he would have died at an early age with cirrhosis of the liver, from drinking those double Martinis, shaken not stirred, from lung cancer, having smoked 72 Turkish cigarettes per day, and from venereal disease, having slept with an average of 68 women per year, in his prime.

In the same radio report, Michael DeBakey, the surgeon, is said to have examined Boris Yeltsin, after his quadruple by-pass, and said he can be back at his desk in two weeks, and will be good as new in six months. DeBakey said the really good news was that Yeltsin's liver is in perfect condition, after more than 40 years of intravenous feeding on 100-proof vodka, and that he can go on drinking his merry way.

In the papers, we are reminded that Frank Sinatra, at 80, is soon to be released from the hospital after suffering a bout of the flu. In his prime, Sinatra drank one fifth of Jack Daniels per day, smoked three packs of unfiltered Lucky Strike cigarettes per day, and indulged in one new bird, as he called the girls, after every show, whether he needed to or not. Doctors say the good news is that his liver, his lungs, and his you-know-what are all in working order.

Then there is President Clinton.....